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Shawerma Republic Ten simple steps to becoming a racist

Thinking of becoming a racist? In this week's 'Shawerma Republic', Ceasefire's Ruqaya Izzidien shows you how.

New in Ceasefire, Shawerma Republic - Posted on Monday, April 25, 2011 0:00 - 8 Comments

By Ruqaya Izzidien

So. I’ve decided to become a racist. In my meticulous research, I have discovered a number of essentials that will help you on your new path to embracing racism, particularly if, like me, you have chosen to become a white supremacist.

1- Make sure that you fit the bill. Racism has an image to maintain and you will never be accepted if you do not comply. Members of the English Defence League, for example, must become bald and rotund before being accepted into the clan. It also helps to have yellowing teeth because it makes you look whiter by comparison.

If, however, you love complaining about being overlooked for jobs that you’d never consider anyway, perhaps the British National Party (BNP) might be your new home? Please bear in mind that the BNP does have an ugliness median to uphold, so they don’t look kindly on anyone who jeopardises that record. Scrub down, basically.

If you are worried that you’re not cut out for racism, you may, instead, want to try becoming a sexist, classist or even a pessimist.

2- Decide what kind of racist you want to be. Who do you want to hate? You’ve never had so many options in one place as you do today. You can despise brown people, black people or choose one of the many inbetweener groups. You can even discriminate against foreign white people, if that’s your thing.

Initially I was thinking of becoming an Islamophobe, but most of them are in it for the street cred. Who wouldn’t want to look like Geert Wilders? Alas no, I want to be in this bigot game for the long haul and, really, the Islamophobia fad is far too fashionable for fundamentalists.

3- Remember that racism is for everyone. Just ask the EDL’s non-white mascot. You can be a brown-skinned white supremacist, as long as you believe that “ethnic is inferior”. But if fellow racists might frown upon your natural melanin levels- as was the case for me- and you truly want to be accepted into the group, just invest in a bottle of bleach. Now give yourself an English pseudonym, such as William, Sarah or, in my case, Margery Fiddlesticks.

4- Be confident about your whiteness. In my previous dealings with racists- before I decided to embrace the white way- the lovely folk at the BNP stopped me in the street to ask me where I “come from”. So interrogate everyone you meet about their lineage, remembering to shake your head disapprovingly with a smug smirk, whatever their response.

5- Integrate. Find a reliably thuggish group that you can call your new home. Ideally, this troupe should have regular meetings where you can all get together and grunt. Other popular activities include ‘friending’ brown people on Facebook, so that you can have the satisfaction of deleting them, inventing new slurs and comparing arm whiteness with your comrades.

6- Don an amateurish air. If you are thinking of climbing the politico-racism ladder, you must be cutthroat. Appear bumbling and out of your depth- as expertly demonstrated when Nick Griffin appeared on Question Time. You want to commit basic spelling errors in your campaign publicity and produce pamphlets that look like pizza-menus. This will buy you the sympathy vote from the softer members of the electorate.

7- Anger is your best friend. Indignant fury is what wins us votes. Disown your temper and claim that it has been stolen by socialists, communists, Unite Against Fascism, Muslims, Jews, the police, Mudbloods. Anyone, really. Except albinos.

8- Cause cunning rifts between races. Before I converted to racism I witnessed a battle manoeuvre that would make Saladin himself tremble. One BNP campaigner went up to a black man at home, pointed to his Asian neighbour and, shaking his head, whispered, “So…what about those Pakistanis…”

9- While abroad, complain about the lack of white people.

10- Finally: if you ever meet our beloved visionary, Nick Griffin (perhaps at party conference), address him as the ‘white elephant in the room’. He’ll reward you with a BNP knighthood (but it actually comes with a real, white hood).

Congratulations! You should now be a veritable source of white supremacy. Now hurry along and get poking ethnics.

Ruqaya Izzidien is a writer, cartoonist and a spoken word artist. Her column, ‘Shawerma Republic’ appears every other week.


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Ten simple steps to becoming a racist | Shawerma Republic
Apr 25, 2011 10:21

[…] my latest column for Ceasfire Magazine, I offer ten simple steps to becoming a fully-fledged […]

Apr 25, 2011 10:41

Is the premise of this article that the worst (best?) racists are the ‘angry white working class’?

From experience much of the racism I encounter comes from the mainstream. They are often professionals, well educated and articulate their irrational, unfounded and disgusting ideas in an ostensibly calm, measured and self assured way. Its all rather reminiscent of a Bob Dylan song…

A South politician preaches to the poor white man
“You got more than blacks, don’t complain
You’re better than them, you been born with white skin” they explain
And the Negro’s name
Is used it is plain
For the politician’s gain
As he rises to fame
And the poor white remains
On the caboose of the train
But it ain’t him to blame
He’s only a pawn in their game.

The deputy sheriffs, the soldiers, the governors get paid
And the marshals and cops get the same
But the poor white man’s used in the hands of them all like a tool
He’s taught in his school
From the start by the rule
That the laws are with him
To protect his white skin
To keep up his hate
So he never thinks straight
‘Bout the shape that he’s in
But it ain’t him to blame
He’s only a pawn in their game.

Apr 25, 2011 12:28

I’ve enjoyed some of the previous articles and appreciated the insight offered. Can’t really say the same about this, sorry. Maybe it’s just my sense of humour, but I didn’t find this particularly amusing. Perhaps the first line put me off; I’ve always felt that there’s something slightly childish about satirizing physical appearance, mainly because it just doesn’t say very much… I’m sure I’ve seen better attempts at satirizing the far right. Just my opinion 🙂

Apr 25, 2011 19:27

I found the piece entertaining, although I think as SamJam indicated – it’s easy to pick at the ‘average racist’. The roots of this racism and it’s use as a tool for exploitation is a far more interesting and exposing matter, perhaps a topic for next time? 🙂

May 1, 2011 21:09

“particularly if, like me, you have chosen to become a white supremacist.”

Though I don’t see a “To be continued” disclaimer at the end of the article, I am surely right to assume that part 2 will follow very soon, when racism (and other appalling traits that are sadly prevelant) of the non-white variety will be given the same biting, insightful, cliche-free(!) treatment. I’m sure there will be much discussion of topics such as kuffarophobia, homophobia and more in part 2. I am waiting with bated breath..

Hamza Jennings
May 5, 2011 10:07

Excellent article, I was smiling all the way through….

Kelly Mallion
May 5, 2011 13:36

WELL. That video clip was certainly good for a giggle or two. I assume this young man has all of the following:

a) speech impediment
b) a brain running on the basic number of brain cells to keep his vital organs functioning
c) a pretty unsuccessful education
d) no job (ok, ok, maybe in a slaughterhouse?)
e) recently undergone a frontal lobotomy
f) a massive stash of MDMA, which he has clearly taken just before this interview

However, I would like to thank Mr. Potato Head for informing me of the ‘Muslamic law’ (oh look, spell check has indicated that Muslamic isn’t a real word) which has now INVADED LONDON AND IS RAPING 15 YEAR OLD GIRLS. Come to think of it, I now suddenly remembers seeing this in all the papers. Yes that’s right, they invaded parliament didn’t they?

That’s it! I’m moving abroad! If only it wasn’t full of foreigners…

May 15, 2011 12:53

A good shot. Racism has no religious or political or social boundaries. It can be found almost in every society and culture. Here is my take on racism in the US and Israel.


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