By Ruqaya Izzidien

So. I’ve decided to become a racist. In my meticulous research, I have discovered a number of essentials that will help you on your new path to embracing racism, particularly if, like me, you have chosen to become a white supremacist.

1- Make sure that you fit the bill. Racism has an image to maintain and you will never be accepted if you do not comply. Members of the English Defence League, for example, must become bald and rotund before being accepted into the clan. It also helps to have yellowing teeth because it makes you look whiter by comparison.

If, however, you love complaining about being overlooked for jobs that you’d never consider anyway, perhaps the British National Party (BNP) might be your new home? Please bear in mind that the BNP does have an ugliness median to uphold, so they don’t look kindly on anyone who jeopardises that record. Scrub down, basically.

If you are worried that you’re not cut out for racism, you may, instead, want to try becoming a sexist, classist or even a pessimist.

2- Decide what kind of racist you want to be. Who do you want to hate? You’ve never had so many options in one place as you do today. You can despise brown people, black people or choose one of the many inbetweener groups. You can even discriminate against foreign white people, if that’s your thing.

Initially I was thinking of becoming an Islamophobe, but most of them are in it for the street cred. Who wouldn’t want to look like Geert Wilders? Alas no, I want to be in this bigot game for the long haul and, really, the Islamophobia fad is far too fashionable for fundamentalists.

3- Remember that racism is for everyone. Just ask the EDL’s non-white mascot. You can be a brown-skinned white supremacist, as long as you believe that “ethnic is inferior”. But if fellow racists might frown upon your natural melanin levels- as was the case for me- and you truly want to be accepted into the group, just invest in a bottle of bleach. Now give yourself an English pseudonym, such as William, Sarah or, in my case, Margery Fiddlesticks.

4- Be confident about your whiteness. In my previous dealings with racists- before I decided to embrace the white way- the lovely folk at the BNP stopped me in the street to ask me where I “come from”. So interrogate everyone you meet about their lineage, remembering to shake your head disapprovingly with a smug smirk, whatever their response.

5- Integrate. Find a reliably thuggish group that you can call your new home. Ideally, this troupe should have regular meetings where you can all get together and grunt. Other popular activities include ‘friending’ brown people on Facebook, so that you can have the satisfaction of deleting them, inventing new slurs and comparing arm whiteness with your comrades.

6- Don an amateurish air. If you are thinking of climbing the politico-racism ladder, you must be cutthroat. Appear bumbling and out of your depth- as expertly demonstrated when Nick Griffin appeared on Question Time. You want to commit basic spelling errors in your campaign publicity and produce pamphlets that look like pizza-menus. This will buy you the sympathy vote from the softer members of the electorate.

7- Anger is your best friend. Indignant fury is what wins us votes. Disown your temper and claim that it has been stolen by socialists, communists, Unite Against Fascism, Muslims, Jews, the police, Mudbloods. Anyone, really. Except albinos.

8- Cause cunning rifts between races. Before I converted to racism I witnessed a battle manoeuvre that would make Saladin himself tremble. One BNP campaigner went up to a black man at home, pointed to his Asian neighbour and, shaking his head, whispered, “So…what about those Pakistanis…”

9- While abroad, complain about the lack of white people.

10- Finally: if you ever meet our beloved visionary, Nick Griffin (perhaps at party conference), address him as the ‘white elephant in the room’. He’ll reward you with a BNP knighthood (but it actually comes with a real, white hood).

Congratulations! You should now be a veritable source of white supremacy. Now hurry along and get poking ethnics.

Ruqaya Izzidien is a writer, cartoonist and a spoken word artist. Her column, ‘Shawerma Republic’ appears every other week.