. In the beginning was the word... | Ceasefire Magazine

In the beginning was the word…

Throughout my life I have been searching but, unfortunately, I have never known what for. Until now.

New in Ceasefire - Posted on Thursday, September 16, 2010 3:03 - 0 Comments

By Aya Sophia

Throughout my life I have been searching but, unfortunately, I have never known what for. Until now.

I was lost in a pursuit for nothingness. I irrationally chose which of my father’s cultural traditions to adhere to. I bowed my head to elders and monks but rarely listened to a word they said. I wished for happiness when visiting temples yet had never attempted to change what had always prevented me from gaining this happiness. I took advantage of the freedom my mother gave me– or rather what I thought was freedom. I pushed the world to its limits. Lost in a fantasy, I accepted that the satisfaction of desire generated completeness yet I always felt empty.

And so I remained lost. Until now.

You see I was running on a treadmill. Using all my energy and efforts in hopes of reaching a destination, any destination. But in reality I was going nowhere. The problem is, not knowing my destination made my entire journey void. For, if I knew not where I was going how could I even have attempted to get there?

So there I stood. On the long path to nowhere. I began to contemplate what it was I was actually searching for and I confided in a friend. I told her that I was lost. That the satisfaction of my desires no longer satisfied me and I had no idea what I was searching for or if I would ever find it. And like a blessing, she told me to ask for help. To ask God for guidance.

For a long period of time I refrained from asking. Even in the heights of my confusion I couldn’t say these words. I would intend to say them but I found myself uncontrollably silenced. Something was stopping me, although I still have no idea what. Until, one day I sat alone. On the top of a mountain. I silenced my mind and listened. I could hear nothing but the words that flew from my mouth ‘Allah I am searching for you’.

I now know that, at this point, alone, in silence, it is Allah who found me.

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